Emotional attunement
Think about a time when someone really ‘got’ how you were feeling.
It may have been a time when you were feeling terrible. Maybe you were angry, hurt, or disappointed. In that moment, someone took the time to notice how you were feeling and seek to understand. What was that like for you?
Therapists talk about the importance of emotional attunement in close relationships. Attune is a variation on tune. We tune an old fashioned radio to pick up a signal. Similarly, in relationships, we focus on others’ signals to understand them. To pick up their signal, we have to temporarily set aside our own desire to ‘transmit.’ Psychologist Daniel Goleman describes attuning as “seeking to understand the other person rather than just making our own point.”
A tuning fork resonates with another tuning fork of the same frequency.
When someone makes that effort to emotionally attune to us, they show us that we’re important to them. When they don’t, it makes us wonder if they'll be there when we need a little attention: they'll be more wrapped up in something else.
Attuning is how we build trust in relationships. It’s built “in very small moments” says relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. “In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with or turning away from your partner.”
Unfortunately, attuning doesn’t come naturally to everyone. To some people it comes naturally. That’s not my gift, you might be thinking. I am going to suggest that anyone can learn how to attune. The first step is to identify what gets in the way, including:
interruptions (screens, other people)
trying to reassure (saying you'll be okay)
giving advice
getting sucked into details
criticizing
changing the subject (that reminds me...)
shifting the focus to yourself (well, I’ve been feeling…)
joking to ‘lighten the mood’
We do these things to cope with with our own discomfort. Many of us never developed a very high tolerance for emotions. What about you -- do you feel a little funny talking about them?
Attuning requires us to push past that funny feeling for a moment, in order to learn about someone else’s emotion. In those small moments, we’re showing others that we value how they’re feeling more than how we’re feeling. That sends them a very important message: they can depend on us.
I am a fairly optimistic person. I’ve had to face the fact that I get a little uncomfortable when people are negative, and that I have a habit of trying to cheer them up. I’m just trying to counteract their negativity with a little sunshine! I realize I did this to my wife many times and missed opportunities to understand how she was feeling.
The good news is, I found that attuning is not that hard to do. It doesn’t require me to be very clever or use many words.
Recently, I gave my wife a ride to work. I heard her sigh. I remarked, “You sighed.” I paused. “What’s on your mind?” Her eyes teared up. She told me about a meeting scheduled for that morning that she’d been worrying about. We talked about this situation for a moment. “That’s been really hard for you” I said.
With a few words, I got how she was feeling. It was an experience of emotional intimacy. I’ve come to enjoy this. It doesn’t feel funny. It’s more like the pleasant sensation when someone takes time to listen to me and understand.
Let’s finish by looking at the ingredients of attuning. Recall what people did when they got how you were feeling. How’d they do it? Maybe they…
Stopped what they were doing
Paid attention (gave you eye contact, etc.)
Asked what was going on
Made lots of space for you to talk
Validated (acknowledged) your emotion
Put in enough time to understand you
When we push past our discomfort, slow down, and attune to someone, not only do we build trust with someone — we also get to experience a deeply pleasurable moment of human connection.
Practice: try a five minute role play with a parter.
Choose roles: Sad Partner & Supportive Partner.
Sad Partner: pretend to ruminate (act quiet and preoccupied) about some bad news you just heard. Don’t worry much about what the bad news was; focus on the emotion you’d be having.
Supportive Partner: practice emotionally attuning for one minute (you can follow the bullet points just above of the ‘ingredients’).
When one minute has passed, end the role play. Share your experiences of what it was like for you to be in your roles.
Trade roles. Repeat.
