Weak and Strong Apologies
We’ve all received apologies. Unfortunately, some apologies sound wimpy. They make us wonder what the offender’s goal really is. Insincere apologies can do more harm than good -- they can give the impression that the offender doesn’t really care about the impact of their actions. They make you wonder if the goal was saving face rather than repairing things or caring for you.
Some examples of weak apologies:
I’m sorry you feel that way. One apologizes for an action, not for someone else’s feelings. This weak apology ignores the action and expresses regret that the hurt person decided to feel bad.
I’m sorry if I offended you. “If” takes all the teeth out of an apology. It casts doubt on whether the offender did anything wrong. Replacing the if with that makes a big difference.
I’m not the only one to blame. Blame-shifting interferes with one of the main goals of apologizing, which is to take responsibility. It sounds as if the offender wants to pass responsibility on to others, which could merely be a defense mechanism.
Explaining, explaining, explaining. When an apology consists of an explanation, it is a defense. What’s the message? The offender is more worried about your image of them than they are about you.
I never meant to hurt you. It may be okay to explain intentions, but since it puts the focus on the offender and tries to put them in a better light, it interferes with taking responsibility and acknowledging the impact.
Weak apologies show a lack of effort to take care of a situation. They make a person appear reluctant to take responsibility or look out for the well-being of others. They tell others I’m looking out for myself.
Fortunately, apologies can be strong and sincere. Strong apologies show a good faith effort on the offender’s part. When an offender cares about what happened, the people who were harmed experience significant relief. A good apology can’t undo all the damage, but it goes a long way toward repairing.
I want to identify five components of strong apologies. We don’t need to use all five components every time, though. In fact, all five would be too much for anything but the worst offenses. A few words are usually enough to do the job.
Name the offense. Example:
I did ___ and it was wrong.
Acknowledge the impact. Or better yet, ask about it. Examples:
That hurt you.
I realize that’s had a big impact.
I want to hear how it affected you.
Accept responsibility. As much as you may want to explain what your intentions were, you want to keep that to a minimum, even if it were an innocent mistake. Consider taking ownership. Examples:
I goofed. I blew it.
I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not making any excuses.
I want to make things right. What can I do to repay?
Express heartfelt regret. The most healing thing that someone can hear when they’re hurting is that the person who hurt them feels what they are feeling, and regrets it. Examples:
I hurt because I hurt you.
I can’t believe I did that. If someone did that to me, I’d be so upset.
I am SO sorry!
I’m heartbroken that I treated you that way.
Look and listen. Give the offended person a chance to respond, without making excuses. Eye contact and listening ears show we care. It can be hard to listen to someone tell us how they feel about us and what we did! But when they feel heard, you may receive a surprise -- they may take the opportunity to express forgiveness, or even respond with an apology of their own.
Of course, even a perfect apology may not land well. It may get met with static, skepticism, or rejection. We don’t have control over how it is received. And beware of trying to make a perfect apology -- it may cause you to focus more on your own performance, rather than listening to the other person’s feelings and putting yourself in their shoes. Keep it simple! In the end, an apology is just a demonstration that I see that what I did affected to you, and that matters to me.
Non-Apology Apology. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology
The Fine Art of Apology: When, Why, and How to Say ‘I’m Sorry’ by R. Kevin Grigsby. https://www.aamc.org/download/164762/data/grigsby_fine_art_of_apology.pdf
“I'm Sorry”: The Power of Apology in Mediation, by Carl D. Schneider. http://www.mediate.com/articles/apology.cfm
