Start discussions well with this simple process.
“We can’t hear each other when we disagree!”
Couples tell me this a lot. I’ve been there, myself.
Two people can have a very hard time hearing each other when discussing hard issues. They’re feeling reactive and they’re busy thinking about what to say next. This process gives both partners time to state their position and to listen.
Principle: before trying to persuade each other, each partner needs to be able to summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction. This is no active listening—it goes way beyond that. It requires both participants to interview the other about their position, ask questions, and correctly summarize and validate each other’s perspectives.
The Assumption of Similarity. If you find yourself attributing a positive trait to yourself, it helps to look for some of this trait in your partner; and if you find yourself attributing a negative trait to your partner, look for some of this trait in yourself, too.
Prepare. Set aside a quiet time long enough to discuss a conflict with depth. Choose one partner to be speaker and the other to be the listener; you’ll trade roles halfway through.
Choose roles. Appoint one person to speak first and the other to be the listener; you will trade roles halfway through. Agree on a time limit for the opening statement—maybe 30 seconds for a simple issue, and 5 minutes for a complex one.
Step 1.
Speaker: state your point of view.
Use I statements
Talk about your emotions.
Avoid you statements.
Don’t engage in blaming, criticism, or contempt.
State your needs and hopes in a positive way.
Listener: hear the speaker from their point of view.
Postpone your agenda.
Notice the speaker’s emotion.
You can ask questions, but only for clarification or elaboration.
Don’t use questions to refute, challenge, or persuade the speaker.
Don’t correct the speaker’s facts or show disagreement.
Taking notes can be good, to aid memory and to show you’re listening.
Step 2.
Listener: state what you heard the speaker say.
Speaker: listen carefully and clarify anything the listener didn’t seem to grasp.
Listener: try again; you’re done when you’ve stated the speaker’s point of view to their satisfaction.
Step 3.
Listener: as you sum up the speaker’s position, validate it. eg,..
I understand why you think or feel ___.
It makes sense that you see it this way, because ___.
You deserve ___.
This matters a lot to you.
Step 4.
Trade roles and repeat steps 1-3.
Summary.
When you’ve gone through all the steps, you haven’t necessarily persuaded each other. You may still have conflicting points of view. The point of the exercise is to postpone persuasion until each of you hear and correctly state each other’s points of view.
Then, and only then, can persuasion begin. In the end, you may still agree to disagree.
However, you have experienced what relationships can be at their best: a structured, respectful conversation between two people who will always be different.
I adapted this process from the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint by the Gottman Institute. It draws on Anatoly Rapoport’s work in game theory and international conflict resolution. John and Julie Gottman have applied his wisdom to couples relationships, resulting in a very simple process.
