The best defense is… a good response.
When someone criticizes or blames us, it hurts—no matter whether it’s trivial or hard-hitting. Someone is making a negative assessment of our person, behavior, or character.
Your breath stinks.
What you said was really uncool.
You don’t do your share of the work.
You’re always comparing me to others.
You never ask how I feel.
You’re controlling.
We’re thrown off-balance by the threat to our self image and reputation.
Defensiveness is an instinctive reaction. Faster than we can think, we try to regain balance, stop the pain, and protect ourselves. Unfortunately, defensiveness doesn’t achieve these goals. It escalates the situation instead of resolving it. That’s why defensiveness, like criticism and blame, is detrimental to relationships.
We defend ourselves in many different ways. We…
retaliate,
excuse,
explain, explain, explain,
minimize,
joke,
act puzzled,
act fragile,
deny,
act indignant,
or shut down and withdraw.
Good responses are different.
They take time. When we’re emotionally flooded, our thinking and empathy is impaired, and we try to respond quickly. However, fast is not ideal. Slow is ideal for having a thoughtful conversation with our critic about what they’re saying.
They require us to show up. Defensiveness deepens the rupture that started with the offense. It creates distance. Responsiveness moves toward.
They take courage. Instead of trying to shut down a threat, a good response opens us up to the possibility that:
We’re imperfect.
We’ve done something wrong.
We need to work on some things.
We don’t know best.
They might have a point.
What a difference it makes when we open ourselves to the possibility that our critic has something valid to say. Even when their approach is flawed.
At our worst, we never concede anything. We focus on their flaws. We stifle their critique, as if it were a dangerous threat. No one wins. Everyone loses, in terms of respect, trust, and intimacy.
What if our objective were to have a productive conversation instead of stifling our critic or starting a battle?
How can we respond?
Instead of retaliating, we can say:
I'm not going to criticize you.
Instead of excuses:
I'm not making excuses.
Instead of explaining (I didn’t mean to interrupt, etc):
Focus on their experience.
You wanted to say more.
Instead of minimizing:
This is important to you.
You need ____.
Instead of joking:
Be serious.
Instead of acting puzzled, ask:
What’s your concern?
Instead of acting fragile, say:
Talk to me. I'm listening.
Instead of denial:
You’re talking about something I need to work on.
Instead of acting indignant:
Let's find a good way to talk about this.
Instead of shutdown/withdrawal:
Show presence.
What do you want to talk about?
These responses show our critic that we’re not afraid to hear what they have to say. These responses invite them to a respectful, productive conversation.
What if they said something that’s mean or untrue? Respond to their concern first. Don’t get sidetracked by the flaws. Talk to them about their flawed criticism second, preferably after you’ve cooled down and let some time pass.
So, if they said something mean, after responding to their concern, we can start that second conversation. Example: I want to talk about how we talk to each other. Can you focus on what you need?… Like, I have an easier time hearing you ask me if I can go brush my teeth. I have a hard time hearing my breath stinks. Does that make sense?
If their claim was untrue, first focus on the true parts of what they are saying. Second: I’d like to correct something. See how different that is from denial? When we respond with denial right off the bat, we basically accuse them of lying, and imply that there is no problem or that we have nothing to do with it.
Non-defensive responses focus on solving the problem instead of who’s to blame.
Example. Long ago, I was a barista at a charcuterie restaurant. One day, the chef rushed in and demanded to know where I’d put a steam pan full of sausage. “I gave you the Sausage of the Day. Where is it?” he demanded. He began shouting. “Oh, great—Alan has lost the Sausage of the Day! Alan, where did you put the Sausage of the Day?!”
The chef was wrong. I had the right to deny it. I could have said, “No I didn’t. I haven’t touched it. Sausage is not my department.”
A non-defensive response would be different. I could give up my right to self protection, validate his real concern (the missing sausage), and offer to help problem-solve: “Oh, no! The sausage. Would you like me to help look for it?”
The chef was being a jerk. I had the right to confront him about that. In the moment, it would have accomplished nothing. He wouldn’t be able to hear it. And the sausage was still missing. Instead, I could let his mood settle down and try to deal with his attitude later.
So that’s what I did. It gave him enough time to find the sausage and realize his error. 🙂
Criticism and blame are hard on relationships. A defensive reaction makes things worse. We can contribute to a better outcome by showing up as the imperfect people we are, inviting our critic to a conversation, and showing them respect and curiosity.
Practice
Q: What happens inside you when you get defensive? What does it feel like inside?
Q: What are your typical defensive reactions? What do you say?
Q: Think of a situation where you got blamed or criticized. Imagine inviting your critic to a better conversation. How would you describe the conversation you wanted to them?
When you’ve come up with some good responses, learn them through practice. There are no guarantees. You can’t control other people, so you can’t control the outcome. You can only take responsibility for your part.
