Twelve types of intimacy
Couples often tell me they feel disconnected and express a desire to restore a sense of intimacy.
The word intimacy often involves a sexual connotation. Let’s consider a wider range of ways we can experience intimacy.
Sexual intimacy includes flirting, sensuality, cuddling, play, touching, and arousing each other.
Public intimacy is social interaction as a couple. It allows partners to see each other interact with other people. It also allows the outside world see the relationship, and gives trusted people an opportunity to speak into it.
Emotional intimacy is the mutual exploration, exchange, perception, and validation of significant feelings. It’s foundational to the other types of intimacy.
Intellectual intimacy comes from sharing ideas and mind-stretching experiences together. For minds to connect, there has to be mutual respect for each other's intellectual capacities. A wide gap in capacities can make it harder to achieve.
Aesthetic intimacy is the sharing of experiences of beauty, including art, literature, music, nature, and food & drink.
Creative intimacy is obtained by designing and making things together.
Recreational intimacy is engaging in play to enjoy time outside of work, to relieve stress, explore, relax, and exercise.
Work intimacy is the performing of tasks, including maintaining a home, raising a family, and earning a living. It’s deeply satisfying to plan and work with the support of a partner, and to share in the satisfaction of completing tasks.
Crisis intimacy comes about when a couple sticks together through hardship, big and small. Sometimes the relationship itself is a test, when adversity or change throw it off balance for a while. Struggling together deepens bonds and signifies true commitment. It enables a couple to say we’ve been through some really hard times together and it’s made us stronger.
Conflict intimacy comes from speaking up and facing differences together, and by resolving conflicts.
Communication intimacy is honest, open, loving, proactive interaction.
Spiritual intimacy develops through sharing in the area of ultimate concerns, the meaning of life, and a relationship to the universe and God. It’s stimulated and deepened through participation in a religious community, rituals, and traditions.
Couples can be intimate in all 12 ways. Not all couples are. That’s okay. Some couples can’t. Some don’t want to.
Partners don’t meet our every need, nor should they. It’s normal and healthy to meet certain needs for non-sexual intimacy with other people. We don’t want to put it all on our partner!
Every partner has passions that the other doesn’t share. Playing tennis. Working at a food bank. Watching football or playing fantasy football. Book groups. It’s great to connect with others for such activities. Intimate friendships can come out of that, which is great as long as there’s full knowledge and buy-in. Partners can totally support each other in that.
Practice.
Go through the list of 12 types by yourself. For the types you’ve experienced in your relationship, write down examples of how you have.
If you can’t think of an example, propose a way you could experience that type of intimacy with your partner (if you want). Express it as an invitation or wish—not a criticism.
Compare notes. Notice the different ways each you’ve experienced intimacy:
Past. Talk about intimacy that you used to have and lost. Grieve the loss together. Avoid blame. Talk about experiencing it again, if that’s desirable and realistic.
Present. Notice how you experience and value different things.
Future. Look for ways, old and new, that you both want to experience more intimacy together. Focus on your desires. Desire is the best way to avoid blame.
Adapted by Alan Rutherford from The Intimate Marriage by Howard and Charlotte Clinebell (1970).
